Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.