If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
You Might Also Like
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I know karate and tons of other words.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust