*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself*

‘wait, if that’s here’

*son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*

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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid


Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park


Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being


How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.


“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library


I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”