*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?