*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
You Might Also Like
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
i was baptized in a car wash
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.