Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

im 7 sauces long

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel