*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.