Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

Siri, fight Alexa.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors