Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back