Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.