*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
