*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.