*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Always this one for me forever
Don’t talk down to me
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.