Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

White Castle for the Win

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?