Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣