[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…