Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*
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Because one Duran just wasn’t enough.
Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?