@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

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@CutCopyPasta

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

@JimMFelton

A friend sent me this and now I canโ€™t think of anything else

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

@BobTheSuit

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

@LizHackett

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

@Donna_McCoy

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

@jeffswarens

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@abbycohenwl

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…