*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”


Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.


me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*


ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?


[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.


hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?