{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.