{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
fired
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Sell your car
