[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
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Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.