Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.