Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn