[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
You Might Also Like
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID