[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
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I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
181.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?