[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.