Not😆🤣
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
So Hamburger help me, God
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
much to think about
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop