Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

they should create new variants of dopamine

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it