Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.