Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*