Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.