[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao