@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

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@Angibangie

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

@fightforfood

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

@slimmy_shady

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

@JohnLyonTweets

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

@momsense_ensues

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

@SaeedFaridzadeh

No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.