Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.
[Satan pulls up in his cab]
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.