[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

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Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.


ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive


Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift


Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”


I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.


My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.


No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.


I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.


If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.