Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a self-made hundredaire

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.