November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
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How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.