Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

how it started vs how it ended

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

what could possibly go wrong?

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??