Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*