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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?