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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The glockness monster
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.