Now colored!
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Guilty! 🤪
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”