Now colored!
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I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.