Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

The Sun

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

bags with threatening auras

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

PARKOUR