Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I just ran a .003048K

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

I’m giving up ice.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.