Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.