“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom