Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.