Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
knights of the ikea table
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.