Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

😂

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?