Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

…u ok Nintendo?

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

i wish we could shoplift online

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.