Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!

also straight people:

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.