Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

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I know

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke