Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

Knock Knock

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Discuss

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?