Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Tremendous stuff