Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Overindulged this afternoon.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

as the prophecy foretold

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.