Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.