Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.