Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.