Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

I’ve disappointed better people.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings