Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want