Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

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The Chosen Phew

you have three unread messages

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

socratic questions

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

these can’t be my only options

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”