Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Joseph Smith, 1833

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.