Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

new dr. seuss book dropping:

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

it was love at first sight

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.