Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

don’t we all