Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
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I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.