Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Tony Hawk, age 6
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.