Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

ok this is my dumbest yet

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?