Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Put the is in disheveled
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together