Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out

gm

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.