Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring