Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here