Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Me My dog

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”