Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

My dad.

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.