Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT