Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

Chicago sounds lovely.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

you’re not fooling anyone

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift