now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
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guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
A recipe for laughter
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…