now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
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🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.