now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be