Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
a god among men
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.