Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
This checks out
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Windows
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
