Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.