Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
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Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.