now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them

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You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’


Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy


My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.


Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.


Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”


I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.


My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.


Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.