Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them
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Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.