“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
marvel comics have peaked
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”